Here we are a month later, and it's time for Halloween!

2006-09-12T15:53:00.000-04:00

Halloween is fast approaching, and by now, most stores are already pushing out decorations, candy, and anything else with a pumpkin or a witch they can pimp like a thai hooker. So naturally, last payday I went out and gathered the first samplings of this years halloween flavored junk- and really, none of it was too good. However, I guess it's always a hit or miss when you're eating candy vomit or gummy boogers, so I didn't really expect the best.

First Off, we have Chef Ghoulicious' "fresh" box of "boogers". The box shows a slimy, gross chef kind of guy, and boasts such flavors as "Snottermelon" and "Lemon Loogy", and claims they "look and feel real!"

I don't know who they hired to test these things, but the guy apparently picks sugar-coated bland gummy candy out of his nose, and probably has needed medical attention for a while.

adurr, seem fine to me!

Now, they really are just round, pseudo-booger shaped wads of more or less those sour gummy worms with the sugar coating. Only a little less good. More expensive, too. Stay away from them, unless you know, that appeals to you.

Next up, we have Jones Soda presenting thier "Spider Cider" flavor. Now hey, I love apple cider. I love it like Courtney Love enjoys heroin and german chocolate cake. However, when you try to make cider flavored soda pop, apparently what you get is nothing but a can of bad aftertaste.

DAMN YOU, JONES

The taste of this stuff actually is kind of mild, but the aftertaste is oddly alot like the flavor of a quarter-machine gumball you've been chewing on for about a half hour. The candy corn flavor? Ever licked the sweat off an old ladys asscrack after shes been jogging in one-hundred degree humid weather? I haven't either, but the taste comparisons are obvious.

Mike would rather saw his head off with a decorative katana than drink this stuff

Next isn't candy. It's just a stupid candle shaped made to look like Frankenstien. That's it. It doesn't even smell like Frankenstien. Totally useless, so I had to give it an upgrade:

TANKENSTIEN! He was created in the secret government facility in Transylvania. They wanted to find the way to essentually "cure" death, but then due to budget restrictions and the fact "he just looks cooler this way"; TANKENSTIEN was born!

Here's the Ghostbusters boxed set. These DVDs deserve their own full review and literary blowjob from me, so expect that another time.

Finally, here's the Fear Factor Chuck Bucket, in sour cherry, which is, as the label reads "gummy coagulated balls in candy blood ooze." It comes with four medicine flavored kind of gummy cherry balls, and a packet of what really just tastles like a warm, melted flavor ice popsicle's juice, and a plastic cup to line the inside of the little bucket it comes with.

When mixed, maybe it's supposed to be blood and guts.

I thought this was a chuck bucket, color me unhealthy, but I don't throw up bright red, unless my insides are bleeding or I drank alot of kool aid.

THE HORROR!

The candy itself, as I said, wasn't the best. Maybe the little bucket is so you can easily spit this stuff back up after you realize how not good it is. I don't know. Hey Joe Rogan, can I have my $1.99 back?

All in all, I'm sadly dissapointed about my first batch of Halloween junk, but the season is young and I have much more time and money and probably braincells to sacrifice in love of Halloween. Oh, halloween, you'll make me do anything, like vomit up cider flavored soda, to jumping in a pit of running chainsaws. Halloween, this goes out to you. You too, a little, America.

-Jason "Uncle Creepy" Nichols

JANA REVIEWS GUMMY ICE CREAM

2006-08-07T01:35:00.000-04:00

I have to get something off my chest. I have an addiction. The first step is admittance, right? I wouldn't say it completely consumes me or anything, but I have memorized all the times and days on which they stock the shelves. Yeah, I'm addicted to 99-cent stores, the only place on earth where you can solve almost every one of life's problems with a dollar or less. Need those Pringles that have trivia printed on them? Taupe(and only taupe)shoe polish? "THE INCREDIBLE HELK" stationery? 99-cent has got you covered, and then some. I can't tell you how many hours of my life I've given to wandering those fluoresced aisles, and how much completely wacky shit I've come across in that time. Don't even get me started on the candy aisle. Fuck, too late, I'm starting. Yes kids, it's that time again.
I had passed over this a few times because I was way too scared to actually buy it. GUMMI ICE CREAM WITH CANDY CONES/SPRINKLES/BITS/CHOCOLATE SAUCE? DOES NOT COMPUTE. The last gummies that I can remember being as complicated as these were those fruit rollup pizza builders, which in my opinion are the meridian of fruit rollups. But I digress. Those are the longest sprinkles I've ever seen in my life. And I know sprinkles, trust me.

I honestly wish I had never opened the package. I want to take it all back. I knew this was a bad idea. Tearing open the bag unleashed a Pandora's box of this ungodly miasma that smelled like a cross between those stale strawberry bonbon hard candies that your grandma always had at the bottom of her purse, and feet. This did not bode well for my mouth, but splendidly for the sanctity of the review. You all love to see me hurt; I'm on to you bastards. Anyways, we're presented with a neopolitan triumverate of terror, cones that I swear are made of styrofoam, mutant sprinkles, non-descript(and therefore harrowing)"candy" bits, and chocolate sauce. Notice how you can barely see it? I tried to get a better picture, but...

Yeah, that's partially due to the slow but sure death of my camera, but due moreso to the fact that it's PURE FUCKING EVIL. Upon squishing the package(I can't resist squishing packages)and holding it up to the light, it became clear to me that this shit just ain't right. It's translucent, unlike chocolate sauce, and has a maroon hue that would strike fear into even the most bad-assed of hearts, like Skeletor's or Dr. Claw's. Plus, it's really viscous. I almost thought it might be stale, but considering where it came from, that's not surprising by any stretch of imagination. I should also note that about 4oz of mysterious white powder came spilling out of the bag, completely covering my desk and lap. Good times.

Assembling the cones was a daunting task. The "chocolate" sauce was getting EVERYWHERE and stuck to EVERYTHING, and the candy bits seemed to be aware of their doomed fate and somehow statically charged themselves right before I sprinkled them on the cone, flying all over the place. The ones that escaped the cone were far more fortunate than I.

I had to put this shit in my mouth.

Well, I can safely say that this is something that is never ever meant to be consumed, in even the most dire of circumstances. It tasted like vaseline, salt, and snake bile. I couldn't get the chocolate sauce off my tongue, which was really awful because it was pureed prune-and-kerosene napalm. And see what I mean by viscous? Check out that drip. It was suspended like that for about a minute and a half before it actually fell. Also, the cones were able to withstand my formidable molars, and came out basically the same, just wetter and flatter. Wow. Not gonna lie though, the candy bits were the best part of all. Like tiny little Nerds, but grosser. I can't really say I'm dissapointed because we all knew it was going to end like this, but what to do with the remaining gummies?

Krang: This is exactly like Driving Miss Daisy, but better.
Pigmon: Guh?
Krang: Nevermind. What the fuck are you, anyways?
Pigmon: I'm Pigmon, A.K.A Jana's only figure that can hold stuff well.
Krang: Oh.
Pigmon: Where to, my liege?
Krang: I kind of need a torso, do you know anyone with one?
Pigmon: No, everyone I know has their head and arms connected directly to their hips.
Krang: Smartass. Just take me some place evil. Now.

Baltan: SWEET JESUS!!!!!!!!!
Krang: Nice to meet you, too.
Pigmon: Oh hey, Baltan.

Pigmon: See Krang? Chansey over there doesn't have a torso, I was being ser-
Baltan: Pigmon, you idiot! Don't you know who that is?
Pigmon: ......
Baltan: ....
Pigmon: He smells like strawberry.
Krang: If strawberries were grown in mulched baby bones and watered with blood.
Baltan: Regardless, he's a supervillian and can ONLY CAUSE TROUBLE. I can't even believe you brought him here, especially in front of Chansey. You're putting us all in danger.
Pigmon: Whatcha you gonna do about it? And have you been working out?
Baltan: Oh, I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it. And yes, it's called a Bowflex.

Krang: My ass! My ass! owowowowowowowowowowowowowowow
Pigmon: Look at my arms. Not only am I unable to reach Krang, I can't even take this fucking dunce cap off. You're a real cunt, you know that?
Baltan: Yeah, I know.
Pigmon: Your eyes look like atomic fireballs but stupider, like if Ferrara Pan was autistic.
Baltan: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the award for worst and least relevant zing goes to you, asshole.

Shilbagon: Hey man, I'm sorry about what happened. Baltan's had a stick up his ass ever since he and Chansey broke up.
Pigmon: You know, I might be able to find more solace in that if it wasn't coming from someone with six tits. But thanks.

Punch-Everything!

Here we are a month later, and it's time for Halloween!

JANA REVIEWS GUMMY ICE CREAM