Here we are a month later, and it's time for Halloween!

Halloween is fast approaching, and by now, most stores are already pushing out decorations, candy, and anything else with a pumpkin or a witch they can pimp like a thai hooker. So naturally, last payday I went out and gathered the first samplings of this years halloween flavored junk- and really, none of it was too good. However, I guess it's always a hit or miss when you're eating candy vomit or gummy boogers, so I didn't really expect the best.







First Off, we have Chef Ghoulicious' "fresh" box of "boogers". The box shows a slimy, gross chef kind of guy, and boasts such flavors as "Snottermelon" and "Lemon Loogy", and claims they "look and feel real!"



I don't know who they hired to test these things, but the guy apparently picks sugar-coated bland gummy candy out of his nose, and probably has needed medical attention for a while.


adurr, seem fine to me!

Now, they really are just round, pseudo-booger shaped wads of more or less those sour gummy worms with the sugar coating. Only a little less good. More expensive, too. Stay away from them, unless you know, that appeals to you.

Next up, we have Jones Soda presenting thier "Spider Cider" flavor. Now hey, I love apple cider. I love it like Courtney Love enjoys heroin and german chocolate cake. However, when you try to make cider flavored soda pop, apparently what you get is nothing but a can of bad aftertaste.


DAMN YOU, JONES

The taste of this stuff actually is kind of mild, but the aftertaste is oddly alot like the flavor of a quarter-machine gumball you've been chewing on for about a half hour. The candy corn flavor? Ever licked the sweat off an old ladys asscrack after shes been jogging in one-hundred degree humid weather? I haven't either, but the taste comparisons are obvious.

Mike would rather saw his head off with a decorative katana than drink this stuff

Next isn't candy. It's just a stupid candle shaped made to look like Frankenstien. That's it. It doesn't even smell like Frankenstien. Totally useless, so I had to give it an upgrade:

TANKENSTIEN! He was created in the secret government facility in Transylvania. They wanted to find the way to essentually "cure" death, but then due to budget restrictions and the fact "he just looks cooler this way"; TANKENSTIEN was born!




Here's the Ghostbusters boxed set. These DVDs deserve their own full review and literary blowjob from me, so expect that another time.



Finally, here's the Fear Factor Chuck Bucket, in sour cherry, which is, as the label reads "gummy coagulated balls in candy blood ooze." It comes with four medicine flavored kind of gummy cherry balls, and a packet of what really just tastles like a warm, melted flavor ice popsicle's juice, and a plastic cup to line the inside of the little bucket it comes with.



When mixed, maybe it's supposed to be blood and guts.



I thought this was a chuck bucket, color me unhealthy, but I don't throw up bright red, unless my insides are bleeding or I drank alot of kool aid.


THE HORROR!

The candy itself, as I said, wasn't the best. Maybe the little bucket is so you can easily spit this stuff back up after you realize how not good it is. I don't know. Hey Joe Rogan, can I have my $1.99 back?


All in all, I'm sadly dissapointed about my first batch of Halloween junk, but the season is young and I have much more time and money and probably braincells to sacrifice in love of Halloween. Oh, halloween, you'll make me do anything, like vomit up cider flavored soda, to jumping in a pit of running chainsaws. Halloween, this goes out to you. You too, a little, America.

-Jason "Uncle Creepy" Nichols